50 things you should know about Vancouver

Not all people in yoga wear are heading to the studio. Or have indeed ever practiced yoga.

The person you knocked that smiled and said sorry? They actually wish your children had cancer.

Drivers are angry. Cyclists are angry. Pedestrians don’t give a shit because they own this goddam city.

There is no right answer to the best defence during a bear/cougar/skunk attack. There are however, a squadillion theories.

A flax, goji, matcha, quinoa and milk thistle smoothie makes you fart more than it mops up your free radicals.

Smoking a whole, tobacco free joint without begging for death is something only you guys can do.

Vancouverites are the hugglable bunnies of North America.

You love music but will only show appreciation at the allotted time. Mid-song shouts are punishable by having your MEC membership taken away.

You are being collectively gang raped by your realtors.

If someone enters the bus that is over 40 or looks remotely pregnant you must all stand, smile and sweep your hand across their newly presented throne.

You know an unhealthy amount about condos, bachelors and duplexes for someone that still lives in their parent’s basement.

The Skytrain is a rollercoaster with a hundred riders suppressing their urge to squeal wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Stanley Park and the Endowment Lands remain untouched because Mr Condo Builder has free reign on every other available space, everywhere.

It doesn’t rain that much, stop complaining.

Calling an art gallery VAG is the greatest thing I have ever known.

Main street hipsters, Commercial Drive hippies, Yale Town gym bunnies and Kitsilano yuppies are actually the same people in different outfits.

For rats the size of horses go to Trounce Alley.

Not all gun crime is gang related. But it’s more convenient for the RCMP if you believe that.

Smoking is a social faux pas. Driving a monster truck isn’t.

Being drunk is embarrassing. Owning a miniature poodle isn’t.

You pay too much for your cell and bank services. Especially since they are remarkably crappy.

Good food however, is cheap as chips.

Fashion does not exist in a city where Gore Tex is practical.

Only 4 people have ever actually found the Museum of Vancouver.

Robson Street is a glorified mail-order catalogue.

Granville Street on a Saturday night is like Vegas without the money.

Every small company knows every other small company. Every large company ignores all humanity.

Surrey is talked about more than it is visited on a scale of 1:1,000,000

North Van is not real. It’s actually a visualization to give plebeians something to aspire to.

A two hour drive only makes Whistler seem close when your country covers a large section of the planet.

Free bus rides for homeless people come from heroic bus drivers.

That beluga whale looks like a tampon.

At any given moment there is a protest going on somewhere.

Clubs close at 2am because everyone needs to get to their kayaking/hiking/skiing adventure early the next day.

Nobody can actually tell the difference between a micro brew and a glass of cat piss.

One week of annual vacation is barbaric. Leaving at 4.30pm is nice.

Sushi is the local dish of a mostly white city with a sizable Chinese population. Go figure.

All dating begins with a profile page.

When greeting, look out for the BC hug. It swings towards your genitals at a terrifying speed.

European kissing is too friendly.

Though you can’t see a car for 600 blocks, only cross the road when the green man says so.

Parking downtown costs the same as buying Prince Edward Island.

Canada has two official languages?

The Canucks are never going to win the Stanley cup again. Sorry.

Watching the BC Lions is the closest I’ve come to a homoerotic experience.

Brunch replaces the space where God used to be.

Never admit that you find Gregor Robertson rather sexy. But give him my number if you see him.

You must be for or against the Olympics. There is no in between.

The last person to experience anger in Vancouver left in 1986. We’re passive-aggressive if you don’t mind.

Grouse Mountain is Vancouver’s G-Spot.